Monday, December 28, 2009

"Reply to the Ambitious Woman"

Thank you all for the responses to my "Do You Really Want an Ambitious Man?" blog. To really understand this blog, you must have read the previous one. A lot of women responded to my inbox saying, "Yeah, but Can a Man Handle an Ambitious Woman (AW)?" I personally am very attracted to an AW; because that means she has goals and does not want to settle for a mediocre life. Also, I've always made it my endeavor to support anyone who is trying to follow their dreams; whether you're a sing, actor, furthering your education, or have interest in owning your own business. It speaks volumes when I see a lady in a business suit and heels from time to time. I think it's kind of sexy. LOL. It tells me she's business-minded, professional, and on a mission. 

I'm speaking on behalf of myself and a lot of guys who wanted remain anonymous. Here's the deal with being in a relationship when the woman is more ambitious than the man. I thought to myself: Who are the two most ambitious and powerful black women in the world? I came up with Oprah Winfrey and Condoleezza Rice. I love me some Oprah and she's one of my top 5 most inspirational people in the world and she's a native of Mississippi. Also, I would never say anything negative about Oprah. I'm stressing this disclaimer because I know Oprah has the power to shut my lil comedy career down. LOL! The fact remains that she and Condi are both SINGLE. When I say single, I mean not married.  Maybe they don't want to be married. I'm not sure why, but I do know their power may intimidate some men. I'm not one of them, but some men have an issue dealing with a woman making more money than them. Think about it! Oprah is the richest black woman in the world. She's a self-made billionaire! Let's throw a hypothetical scenario out there. Let's say Oprah was interested in buying an island in the Caribbean. Then Stedman says, "Baby I don't think this will be a good investment for you." She'll probably listen to his reasoning in the beginning. On the other hand, if she really wants that island, Sted-Muffin can go to hell with his reasoning.  Why? Because she's a self-made billionaire who has been independent for a very long time. How does she look like asking his permission to buy an island if she really wanted it? 

Moving on to Ms. Condoleezza Rice, the former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State for The United States of America. Let's throw another hypothetical scenario out there. So we'll say she's married. Her husband suggests that Condi shouldn't purchase those $2000 Christian Louboutin shoes. I can hear Condi now, "Look fool, I had the power to stop and start wars and now you want to tell me I can't buy some shoes?!"  "You better get a life negro!" LOL. I know what you're thinking. If I'm a millionaire, what do I look like asking my husband can I buy some $2K shoes. Like I said, it was just an example. Now, I don't know these ladies personal business, I only used them as examples as well. Once again--I LOVE YOU OPRAH.  I do not want to end up telling jokes at the gas station. LOL! 


Here's my point. Some guys have to be the bread winner of their household. Unless he's an ambitious man himself, the power ratio is at an offset in his eyes. It's in a man's nature to want to be the sole provider for his family. From a religious stand point, a man should be the leader of his household. I'm not saying whatever he says goes, but you should at least allow him 60% of the decision making.  You shouldn't get involved with a man who you don't trust to lead you and your family; especially if he can't be the spiritual leader. There are also some needy men out there as well. I feel like if a man says that he accepts the fact that his lady has a grind, he has to understand that she's not going to be available all the time. I have two friends who enlightened me on the Needy Man Factor. LOL. Check out their stories:

"I once met this guy around the holiday season. He wanted to take me out, but he never planned in advance. He always called at the last minute. I made it very clear to him that I am a baker/personal chef and the holiday seasons are usually busy for me. I guess after being told no too many times, due to his lack of planning...He told me, "There is no way I was cooking that damn much!"  He assumed I was brushing him off, but that was far from the truth. I told him since he felt that way, he could go to...(well you know where)  :-)  I would have gone out with him if he had made plans and not always waited until the last minute. He showed a lack of respect for me and my business."
~ Anita Benton
Desserts Etc.

 "I've met a few men who say that's what they want, but then when I mention the things I have going on, they're like 'Oh, you don't have time for me." My thing is... I make time for what I want to make time for. A man can't make a statement like that when we initially meet. A.) You don't know that. B.) You just met me. " 
~Theresa Kennedy
Red August Shoes

They went on to tell me this had happened with other guys in the past as well. I also know a lot of female comics-- "comediennes" --who have also conveyed their experience with dating guys who don’t understand their passion and dreams.  Once again, BALANCE is the key to any relationship. There are marriages that have sustained the test of time with the woman being the more ambitious of the two. I watched BET Honors and noted that B. Smith was selected as a guest of honor. Mrs. Smith is a successful entrepreneur with her own chain of restaurants and a TV show. I've provided a link to her acceptance speech and website below. Anyway, within her speech she spoke several times about her husband, Dan, who never wavered in his support for her over the years. So, this proves there are men who can stand by an ambitious woman. I'm sure there are many other couples that I could use for examples. I'm sure she presented her goals and ambition to Dan and he obviously believed in her and vowed to be supportive.  I doubt she rolled up on him and said, " Hey boo, I got some ideas to make us some cheese! You can either roll with me or I'll holla!" LOL.


So, I salute the AW. I guess my question now is: Will the AW allow her man to be the leader of the family? Or will she constantly remind her man of who makes the money and that her dreams bought the house, car, and the dog. I have two songs to go with the blog, Anthony Hamilton's "The Truth" and Goapale's "Closer to My Dreams" for the AW. You gotta listen to the words though. I know I'm about to catch it for all the men in the world :-), but please leave your comments below the videos. Also, click on the share button below for your friends to check out the blog.

Thanks for reading;

Comedian Marion Kendrick

B. Smith Acceptance Speech and Website

Anthony Hamilton - The Truth

Goapale - Closer to My Dreams


  1. 1. Your question...will the AW allow her man to be the leader of the family? Yes, I will. I'm not too independent to not want and/or desire a husband. Yes, knowing that my man will definitely have to be after God's heart, then I will have no problem submitting to him and allowing him to be the leader and trust his decisions.
    2. To add on to Anita's response...I too have had that problem .... not planning, therefore, we end up not getting together. I admire and totally respect a gentleman and a person that respects his and my time. I want to use it wisely. plan ahead, not 30 minutes ahead. I like when a guy has actually thought something out and followed through. I don't sit at home dwindling my thumbs waiting and/or hoping he'll call so we can do this or that. and don't get me wrong, I can handle spontateous sometimes, but pls respect my time and plan ahead.

  2. You really need to get some married AW's to comment. I'm newly married and I don't see how AW do it. Men need attention, and if they don't get it they will find it elsewhere. To be an entrepreneur you know your business is a very high priority. It's your passion. You eat breathe and sleep it. Owning your own business is not a 9-5, it is with you all day everyday you are constantly working it in some aspect. My husband encourages me in my business but also complains when my "home making" suffers. (By home making I mean all the things it takes to keep a man - cooking, cleaning, time, nooky etc and we haven't mentioned children - that's a whole other issue) Read Proverbs 31, that woman was doing alot. It is very hard to find balance and make your business really successful. The man would have to take a back seat at times. And no "leader" wants to ride in the back too long. More often than not he will find someone who will let him drive and be at his beckon call.
    An Ambitious Man usually chooses to marry someone who will play the support role. He need someone to keep house while he travels, works late etc. He wants someone to come home too, not someone who's unavailable most times and on their own schedule. That's his comfort knowing she's there and available to meet his needs.
    AW need wives. LOL - Seriously. AW aren't the stay at home type. We're driven, independant, and unfortunately, we choose our business over the company of a man again and again - see Anita's comment. Think of her potential suitor as an AM. He didn't care about her money - he wanted her time.

    When I was single it was easy. I was your two examples. If he didn't like it on to the next one. But now I'm at a cross roads between my passion and my family. Something is going to suffer. I've already hired the maid. Still they're aren't enough hours in the day.

    I want to hear from a women who has it all - If she's out there. Oprah and Condi aren't married for a reason. They put there careers first.

  3. I believe the AW can and will allow her man to be the leader of the household. The AW, or any woman for that matter, would only step up to the plate when that guy is not doing what he's suppose to do. But there is a way to step up and still let the man be a man. I think that's an important quality for the AW to have is to know when to step up and still let that man be a man. I also think that a woman who constantly reminds her man about who makes the money or does this or that is not what you would call an AW. You can be an AW or AM and still be supportive of your man/woman dreams and aspirations.

    Relationships are about compromise and support among a host of other things. I would think that the AW and AM would both want someone who is supportive of their dreams and aspirations and who knows that it's going to take some if not alot of sacrifice. They would also want someone who has similiar goals and morals as they do. Why would you marry someone who doesn't want to be a stay at home mom when that's the type of woman you want? There is no right or wrong way here, it's just if you truly want to be with that person then you will have to compromise even if that means taking the back seat for a while until it's your turn to drive.

  4. I had a man that had all the trappings of material success...and he treated me like crap...cheated the whole nine...but he was my financial and professional equal. Now the man I am dealing with makes me happier than all not in the same tax bracket as what ...he can see past my flaws, encourages me when I can't seem to encourage myself, is my biggest cheerleader, manages what he does make very well...he has shown me what a successful relationship is...and chil' it ain't got nothing to do with money
    I didn't always think like this though...I had some growing up to do...who knew?

    I do say that if a woman has more education, in a high demand field etc, she can't help but make more than's how SHE carries that success. Hell you can't go around talking bout "you don't like it get out, what I need yo azz fo" and think you are gonna keep any man...let alone a good one who HAPPENS to make less than you.

    That's not to say they're justified, because financial security goes beyond what one's salary is (read: financial responsibility, credit score, spending/saving habits, etc.), but for some, it's a huge concern. Correct me if I'm wrong but um don't the 2 become one and that includes the money going into one pot right? So if that is the case...and if he is very responsible with what he does make (high credit score, low debt-to-income ratio and has a savings before they get together) then what difference does it make.

    At the end of it all, money doesn't equal power and well...let's just say bringing home the most money shouldn't denote your position in the household...but that's just me...I'm not settling, I'm just happy that I know the true meaning of success because based on what I have been hearing...if success is tied to your position, paycheck or title as some people tend to suggest...hate it for you if you get laid off.

    Ask me if I woulda thought about "Us" 3 -5 years ago...nope...because I had traditional views as well...I thought the man HAD to make more...but while I am traditional in most respects still (the man is still the head of the house) I am a 2010 realist (women are making more than men now in some fields ) but we can make financial decisions TOGETHER.

    A successful relationship is a journey not a destination. To me, no matter what he does, he should do his best and not seek to do "just enough". I think that is what is happening. Unfortunately women have had no choice but to step up to the plate to support their kids and some men, not all but some, have taken on the "whoa is me, she is more successful than me" mentality and that is not attractive at all. A man that loves what he does, manages what he does make well and supports his family is a success to me.

    Happiness often sneaks in through a window you didn’t know you left open. It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. You don't love a man because he is remarkable, but he is remarkable because you love him.

    A fellow Provine RAM

  5. Are men so insecure that they have to be the "leader" of a household to feel good about themselves and isn't that what got us into this mess in the 1st place? A true loving relationship/marriage is a partnership, a give and take, being self secure and self sufficient, supports, love and openness. That's what is missing. Seems like there are a bunch of men out there who want to feel ALL POWERFUL and NEEDED in their woman's life and that's just ego and insecurity. A well adjusted man should feel whole and complete with out a clingy needy woman on his arm. A well adjusted woman should be able to set priorities and make time for the relationship she desires. Communication is key. I am 35 and single and frustrated at how quickly guys go running when they see how busy I am or when I start waxing on some books I read or a current topic other than sports or celeb gossip.

    At the end of the day, honestly, it's really time for Black men to do a major self assessment and ask themselves...How did I get here and how can I change. We've got to fix this disconnect. <3

  6. It has been my personal experience, that even as an “ambitioner” myself in search of an AW, most are not interested in a long term relationship; just more of a social partner for events of their personal interest (an arm piece) or a Michael Baisden generated character in “The Maintenance Man”. Either scenario was fine and suitable for my lifestyle, until I started to want more for my personal life, simultaneously, as my career excelled. These things were not extremes like a cottage in the Poconos for bimonthly vacations, they were naturally progressive things like children, someone to wash my back and put lotion on my feet! LOL

    Now to answer the question: ANY “She Got Her Own” (AW) like Jamie Foxx sings about, I personally believe will have major issue with a man having the last word, weighing in heavily in on a personal financial decision, or sit back and allow him to “run” a home as if he would like; and this is the described GOOD MAN trying to make decisions!! And Marion, you’re crazy as hell if you think that 60% crap is going to go over well with an AW!! LOL This is mainly due to the earned factors of total control of her career, finances, life, and everything else that SHE has done ON HER OWN! What AW is willing to allow someone (dating, serious relationship, or a new husband) to change the course of her several times degreed over, seemingly great decision making potential, to go to crap with one allowed decision?

    After evaluating the competition from the sea of men you ladies have to choose from (and good luck by the way LOL), myself and the GOOD men that I personally know, are the VERY limited minority. These men (we) offer more than just a good conversation and a lions pride in the “den”. They are eclectic, well traveled, articulate, well dressed, can hold their own in conversations with a room full of women and defend the cave man while talking them off the ledge of what they think men are, and pride themselves on making a woman fall so in-like with them, that no other man will compare to the level of comfort he brings her. BTW, he respects her career and space, because it gives him time to breathe in his personal aspirations as well. However, he is not going to sit around and be patient until you finally come with the “Okay, you can play in my sandbox…I’m willing to share now” conversation.

    Having thing in life are good; its Classism and what America is founded on; “The have’s” and “The have not’s”. When it comes to a relationship between an AW and a man, the AW has to learn how to bite her tongue, make conscience efforts to allow a GOOD man (I second what MK said…don’t let a fool be your ruin) to say his peace, make a decision, and share the responsibilities of being in a relationship. There is a spiritual place for each party in the relationship; know yours. Your successes are not looked down upon, them sitting on your shoulder, the constant conversations about those accomplishments and your nasty disposition toward them is looked down upon. Your degrees that align the wall are marvelous but, they will not keep you warm and you cannot talk to them. You don’t have to control everything or every decision; release control. AW, if you feel the need to control something, you can control things like pregnancy and the temperature of the soup if he is sick! LOL j/k

    (For the Fellas) Lastly, any man would be a fool to move into the house that her ambitions bought! It’s cool to spend the night now playa, but if you didn’t have say so in which house to pick, the color of the bedroom set, drapes, color schemes, or any space in the office for your personal Achievements in Every Field of Human Endeavor (Yo Nupes!), plaques, awards, degrees, Fraternal nalia, etc…not cool and you are of course subject to your own foolish decision to move into her castle of ambitions. That is not you all’s playboy; it’s the AW’s and she is subject to put yo ass out whenever her controlling of situations mind changes. LOL


  7. People are so caught up or traditional roles that relationships are ruined from the start. Expections are enormous relationship killers. Our grandparents generally found men bringing the bacon home for women to cook. Our parents saw both parties bringing the bacon home...for women to cook. Today everyone is looking for bacon and no one wants or has time to cook. LOL. We are all positively and negatively influenced by our, friends, TV, etc. Our IDEAS of a perfect relationship is often far from true perfection. Usually for the lack of relationship in the equation. You mentioned a key word...BALANCE. Both partners should be the "head of the household". Again, I say, expectations are killers. Many men are better cooks than their wives. Should he not have dinner ready because that's not his role? Many women are better at balancing a checkbook. Should she not control the bills? After much trial and tribulation my spouse and I are choosing to allow the person who is best suited to be the main one heading a particular role. However we are both able to take over when necessary.

    Oprah may not HAVE to share her desire to buy the island with Stedman but the choice to do so may result in Stedman 1. Chosing to gift it for her birthday 2. Paying for the Mansion built on it 3. Simply praising & encouraging her for living life to the fullest.

    There are only two main negative factors of an ambitious parnter. Money and time. This is only negative when the other party is on the short end of either of the two. Intimidation, insecurity, poor self-esteem may be the culprit. We should take the time to look at it this way... My partner is happy at doing his/her best. I encourage and support them in doing that. I inturn am doing no less than my best at what makes me and my relationship happy as well. If this results in one of us making more money than the other that's a bonus income for US. If my partner is away from me often, I will use that time not to be idle, but to prepare the home for their welcomed return and/or to busy myself with something positive.

    In conclusion, we did not marry our parents, our dramatic girlfriend, the Cosby show, nor Will and Jada. I married my husband and he married me. We fit no mold. We have strong strengths and wonderful weaknesses. We support and balance each other out. When he doesn't agree that the $200 pair of shoes is a good idea...I wait for the sale.


  8. If our Heavenly Father has chosen the person for us it will work not matter what. I'm not saying there won't be challenges. The couple has to stay in constant prayer about the relationship, decisions to be made, etc. The decision for a mate should be spiritually based, intellectually based and lastly emotionally based. The physical has to be removed because we know the heart can deceive us. There are other factors that need to come into play for things to work - don't compete for control, daily exchanges (meal, call, note, kiss), deep emotional connection, trust, communication (talk, talk and talk some more), be on the same page, sense of humor, sharing tasks, getaway time or play together (movies, sports, travel), fight fair, learn how to make up (vent your frustrations, kiss, make up and move on), create a tag team (shared dislike for the in-laws, etc), safety in expressing feelings & thoughts, bring out the best in each other, compromise, common life goals & priorities, respect for one another and don't listen to what others have to say about the relationship. If all of the above mentioned factors come into play, a man can have a successful relationship with an AW and vice versa. Nothings better than love. Especially black love.

  9. It's really all BS. Either relationships work or they don't. It's based on individuals. It's ignorant to say that most successful women are aggressive in relationships. Truthfully most women would welcome the break if they are dealing with an intelligent man that can reason and consider what's best for the unit. Powerful women become powerful because they make the decision to recieve that type of lifestyle, so why should they let a man or anyone else make decisions that will lead to the opposite. We are all trying to survive and enjoy life so if a man is compatible with that then that is all it is to it.

  10. to tell you the truth, ambitious women are very difficult to be with and handel!

  11. Very well written, and I completely understand and agree. It's just very difficult for women to see themselves in this respect sometimes so it's refreshing to get a man's view of the AW. Hope it compels some women to change. Not to lower their ambitions but to be a chameleon by being the masculine strong business woman in her work but still the feminine and loving woman who allows her man to lead at home.