I was chilling with one of my close friends and a couple of her girls. One made the comment that she was about to go home, use her bullet and go to bed. They all fell out laughing but the conversation clearly went over my head. So I asked, "What is a bullet?" They laughed again. That's when I figured it out. She was talking about B.O.B. her Battery Operated Boyfriend. I was shocked when each of these girls boldly admitted they had a B.O.B. They furthered explained they loved B.O.B. because he doesn't come with any drama. Ladies, believe it or not, some men think the same way. There have been plenty of times where I have asked myself: Do I really want to go have sex with this girl and deal with all the drama that comes with it? Nah, just let me jack-off in the shower, drink a shot of Hennessey and go to bed. One of the girls went to her room and showed me this baseball bat that she calls B.O.B. Fellas let me tell you, unless you can legally race in the Kentucky Derby, you can can't follow B.O.B! What I have been blessed with does not spin, light up, vibrate, flip, jack-hammer, centipede, cupid shuffle, wobble, nor will it teach you how to Dougie. So, if you've been getting an orgasm from B.O.B. for the last year and a half, what the hell do you expect me to do? Don't get this blog twisted. I'm not down playing my skills; I'm just making an observation.
As crazy as this may sound, I Iearned the dangers of B.O.B. in the single's ministry at church. The preacher said: toys, pornography, and strip clubs are dangerous and may cause a couple to become unequally yoked. Meaning the couple won't be on the same page. He went on to explain that if you watch pornos, at some point you'll eventually want your mate to perform in a manner that they can't physically or just not open to doing so. This may cause a person to search for these desires outside of the relationship. The toys are simple. Your mate physically can't add up and may enjoy toys more than you. You'll also become spoiled or selfish and may not put in the proper four-play to arouse your mate. This is why you're supposed to be a virgin when you get married so that you won't know anything outside your spouse. Unfortunately, a lot of us missed that train a long time ago. As my grandmother would say, I started being "MANISH" in Jr. High School. Check out some of the lyrics to Raheem Devaughn’s song B.O.B.
B.O.B., B.O.B. don't say he miss you
And he don't have lips to kiss you
And he don't have hands to dip your waist
And tell you how good you taste, yeah
See B.O.B., B.O.B. can't serve you breakfast in bed
Oh no (he can't) bathe your body (he can't) rub your feet (he can't)
He can't compete with my love (so tonight) I'm commin over
You need that real type of love (oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah)
That can't be duplicated (I wanna serve you up)
Your body needs to be loved (loved down)
The way that God made it
See B.O.B. can't kiss those thighs (oh no)
B.O.B. can't share your morning rise
B.O.B. can't stay this hard
See I can go harder than him (I'll go longer than him)
Longer than your Battery Operated Boyfriend
After hearing one of my fellow comedians set about vibrators, I asked her to chime in.
Well I usually agree with most women but on this one I gotta agree with my boy Raheem Devaughn. Yeah, it's true that toys do things that a regular penis can't but in the words of Marvin Gaye, "Ain't nothing like the real thing baby". I prefer a whole body on top of me. I don't have time to be manually injecting a big piece of plastic in me all night, hell I got carpel tunnel. I like being pleased orally and getting my toes sucked, you know foreplay. B.O.B. ain't playing with ish! Not only the physical, but I have other major issues with B.O.B. He can’t take out the trash. He ain't buying me ish for Valentine’s Day. Most importantly, his ass doesn’t chip in on the bills! Yeah, the real thing comes with drama, but think of all the $$MONEY$$ you'll save on batteries. Back in the day, I had a B.O.B. I splurged on mine and spent $175. It had a strong vibrating sensation that sent me to an orgasmic bliss. I loved B.O.B. so much I'd take him everywhere with me. I mean EVERYWHERE until it became a problem. One time, I was in the waiting room at the dentist office and my cell phone started vibrating. I got confused, went into my purse and answered B.O.B. I tried to play it off and just started a conversation. I was like, "Hey, how you doing?" People were looking at me like I was crazy. One lady asked me, "What the hell kinda cell phone is that?" Another one said, "Yeah, it's big, long, brown and it doesn't have buttons on it." I'm just saying B.O.B. can embarrass you in public so be careful.
Comedienne Carmen Barton
This was not about the woman who uses B.O.B. as a pacifier. That didn't come out right. When I say pacifier, I mean a temporary fix. A parent gives a baby a pacifier to hold them over until it's time for them to eat. Get your mind out the gutter. This is about anyone who honestly believes that some man made device can actually be a substitution for a human. If I told you I had a blow-up doll at home you would think I was one SICK individual. I'm interested in knowing your thoughts in the comment box below. You can also comment anonymously on the link below the box.
Thanks for reading;